How Anxiety Slipped In
What the enemy uses to discourage the Lord will use for good, and when the enemy is attacking I always know God is up to something BIG! I want to preface this by saying that I am sharing this because I believe God wants us to share our stories. I wholeheartedly believe that things happen to us so we can use it to help others. I don’t want to just share the highlights of my life with you all, I want to share the entire picture. I always try to be vulnerable and honest. This is part of my life right now and I cannot share my journey with you all, without being a complete open book.
Today I went to the store and bought groceries for my family and picked my boys up from school. I never really thought I would count that as a win, but today it was a HUGE win after what I have been through over the last 2+ weeks. I had my first ever panic attack on August 1st out of the blue. Seriously it was the least stressful day ever! Lillian and I had been in our PJ’s, had a yummy breakfast, just hanging out. We were going to run errands, and meet my mom for lunch. My boys had spent the night at my in laws house and were at camp for the day. Super stress-free day, and it came on in an instant, while I was driving with Lillian. Praise God for his protection, I was able to pull over safely. I called my husband first, but my symptoms kept getting worse, so I dialed 911, head spinning and heart racing. In the moment I had no idea what was going on. I was taken to the hospital, all of my bloodwork, vitals, x-rays, and EKG came back perfect. But when I left the hospital that afternoon I just went downhill, my body went into shut down mode, one more trip to the ER, about 10 days of fatigue and I have been experiencing terrible anxiety that I could not even explain where it was coming from, to the point where I kept thinking it cannot be anxiety because I could not pin point why I would have anxiety. Once the fatigue wore away was when I really started feeling the anxiety symptoms set in. When I first saw my doctor, about 5 days in, she ran a lot more bloodwork including Lyme Disease and Autoimmune Disease tests, but also thought it could be viral, but I had no fever or other viral symptoms. All of those tests came back negative. About a week later, I went to open house at both boys’ schools, and it took everything in me to make it through. Taking Cameron to school on his first day was the biggest feat. I mean it is one thing to be nervous, it’s a whole other thing to feel like you cannot breathe and are going to pass out. Jeff and I had an event to attend this past weekend. I felt pretty good before we went, but when we got there it took everything in me to just be there, and talking to people was so hard. When I met with my doctor again on Monday we discussed how I had been feeling and she was very confident that my first episode was a panic attack and I was experiencing generalized anxiety and panic disorder.
There is a difference between being anxious and having anxiety. You may be anxious about your child starting their first day of school, but anxiety comes on when you don’t even expect it. Throat closing up like you cannot swallow, feelings of dizziness and faintness, heart racing, it is so real and you cannot even wrap your mind around why it is happening. I have learned that a lot of things can trigger anxiety, and my doctor seems to think that mine is being triggered by my hormones being “off.” I just stopped breastfeeding Lillian about a month ago and I also just started my first cycle (sorry guys) since I got pregnant with her. It is really crazy what pregnancy and breastfeeding can do to our hormones, I am learning a lot. With my case, we are praying that within a few months my hormones will level out properly in my body, relieving my symptoms.
I can honestly tell you that I never thought I would experience anxiety and panic disorder. I have known people, close friends, who have suffered from anxiety and I honestly could never wrap my head around it, until just the past few weeks. The reality is, our bodies can react in the most bizarre ways, that we cannot even understand when and why things are happening, or put a finger on what is causing it. I have been so blessed to talk to some women recently that have panic and anxiety disorders, and one of my friends explained it so well! She said that one of her triggers is dehydration. Someone without anxiety disorder may get a little dehydrated but just drink some water and be fine, but with her, her brain automatically puts her body into fight or flight mode, and she has a panic attack. Your body reacts as if it has seen a bear in the woods, but for no apparent reason or visible threat to be fearful.
I am not sure how people handle their anxiety without a relationship with Christ. Philippians 4:6-7 has been my go to: Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
I am so thankful to have the power of the Holy Spirit living IN me so that even though my earthly body wants to feel anxious, I can have peace in my heart and mind because my hope lies in Jesus Christ!!
If you are reading this and you suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, I just want you to know that you are not alone. One of the hardest things for me over these past two weeks was trying to explain how I was feeling. It is so hard to explain, and not enough people who struggle with it talk about it, so when you are experiencing it, you feel alone. I am so blessed by the women who have reached out to me to tell me they have experienced the same thing, it feels good when we know we are not alone.